i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
