Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
