there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
