I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
