Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
