my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just had sex on a roof
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
