Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
