Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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