How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
3 2 1 whiskey
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
