Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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