I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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