Can i not drive my cunt home
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if only i could text you this smell
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
