this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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