Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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