someone get that fucking seahorse.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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