I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
