Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I would ride that face into the sunset
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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