please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
