so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
