I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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