took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
