Just took my morning after pill in the library
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This is my gift to your gina
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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