Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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