I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
