Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
