yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
