We're like a lot better than the average bears
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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