Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
