I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You need Xanax blowdarts
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
