Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
