Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
