I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
