I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
