just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
