oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
