i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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