I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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