Plan B is the new Plan A
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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