areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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