I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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