Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
