I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
