I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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