I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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