Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
