i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
