I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
