So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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