Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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