Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
