A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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