I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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