made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
