Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
