If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
her vagine was all disorganized.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
