Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
