She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
