He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
