My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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